Sunday, 1 June 2014

Self Consciousness

I really care about what people think of me. Whether it's through what I say, do, or look like, it's just always there. The constant reminder that someone, somewhere is judging you. Maybe it is the wrong thing to say and I should try to think positively. You just need to let it go! Expect... IT IS NOT THAT EASY!

Don't get me wrong, I would love to get over this hurdle and get on with my life which seems, as it stands, is too easily governed by such delusions. It is fear, fear that you won't be liked but if you think about it, there is nothing incredibly wrong with that. It just encourages you to be a better person.

Although, it can turn slightly nasty. I think everyone has had one of those friends who seem to undergo a form of personality transplant everytime a boy sits down at the table or a different group of girls are shrieking their name. However, it is the same on a personal level. I cannot remember the sheer amount of times I have told myself to be quiet, you're being annoying or regretted saying something I consider stupid.

The web defintion of self consciouness is:
"embarrassment deriving from the feeling that others are critically aware of you"

To me, I interpret 'embarassment' as not being sure of yourself and so people being 'critically aware of you' can be simply terrifying. Confidence in who you are, or what you wear, how attractive you are or what you say, is something as teenagers, that we have forced upon us. At 15, I don't want to decide who I am going to be, I want to find out and I don't need to find out yet. There will always be a time when you feel that you should know by now but ambitions aren't set in stone and neither is the person you are now. You CAN change. Yes, I realise I'm beginning to overflow with clich├ęs so I will stop, but how true they are, is up to you.

Sometimes we all just have to realise that those times we keep quiet in fear of looking stupid or don't buy those shoes because no one can assure you that they love them too, are the times where you should say what you wanted to say or buy those god damn shoes, however worried you are about peoples' judgement. It doesn't hurt to really explore who you are or want to be, and run with it. You might surprise yourself!

I am as sure as anything that I will grow as a person in this way. And really, it is starting here! This blog is all me. It is what I think and what I want to say. When I press that Publish button it's out there. My "first steps" all over again.Whether it be a blog where you sound relatively douchey or a friend who doesn't get as much of your attention as they deserve, for whatever reason. As long as you feel it is what you want, just try, even once, to actually do it this time.

Thankyou for reading!

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